What are boundaries? Why are they important?? I’m glad you asked. Boundaries are simply what you DO or DO NOT accept. Boundaries are what you declare is HEALTHY or UNHEALTHY for you. Boundaries are what you feel is RIGHT or WRONG for you.

Boundaries can be put in place for behaviours, emotions, respect, pretty much anything that will protect your well-being, happiness and at the same time teach people how you want and deserve to be treated.

OTHER PERSONAL BOUNDARIES INCLUDE:

• Your right to privacy
• Your right to say no
• Your freedom to feel the way you feel
• Your choice to be friends with who you want
• Your right to express your emotions

CASE STUDY

If you confided in a friend about a personal issue and that friend went and told someone else about what you said, then that would be a betrayal of trust. You approach your friend (because you found out) and you explain to them how it has upset you and how you only told them in the first place because you trusted them, and now that trust is in question.

From my experiences there are two main responses you can expect.

Firstly (and hopefully), your friend would sincerely apologise because it has upset you and they never meant for that to happen. They would tell you that they would never intentionally betray you or let you down like that and promise to never share private information about you with anyone ever again. They would be a GOOD FRIEND. Keep them.

Secondly (and hopefully not), your friend will play it down and take no accountability or responsibility for what they have done. Furthermore, they will turn it around on you and say things like ‘what’s the big deal anyway’ or ‘you’re overreacting’ or ‘stop being a sook, nobody cares’. Sound familiar?? They are a BAD FRIEND. Get rid of them.

Now the chances are that you have encountered this type of behaviour and the person in each scenario would more than likely have a long-term pattern that’s easy to see once you actually look. The pattern may be good or bad, however, the point being there will be a pattern.

BREACHES OF BOUNDARIES INCLUDE AND ARE CERTAINLY NOT LIMITED TO:

• People ignoring your feelings
• People not listening to you
• People being demeaning to you
• Public shaming
• Gaslighting
• Stonewalling

BOUNDARY SETTING

Setting boundaries isn’t really that tough. You would already know the points I touched on earlier about what you do or don’t accept, what is healthy or unhealthy to you and what is wrong or right for you. It just becomes so much easier when you are conscious and aware of precisely what those things are.  You can write them don’t, make a list or simply think about and acknowledge how certain things make you feel and implement a decision making process on the back of that.

BOUNDARY DEFENDING

Now the testing part…defending or upholding your boundaries once they have been crossed. Just like in the example above it is important to communicate and express your concerns clearly and directly to the person (not via someone else) and then allow them to respond. I highly recommend doing this in person and choose to use emotions other than anger or disrespect, as our choice of expression only generates more of the same. In fact, there is really no need for these anyway as YOU know what has happened because you have clear boundaries set for yourself. Depending on their response you can decide which way you wish to go based on what is good for YOUR well-being and happiness.

BE-AWARE

It is important to keep in mind when you give second (or third or fourth) chances that this person may have already let you down in the past. If this is the case it is highly likely they will reoffend again and again.

HAPPY BOUNDARY SETTING!!

Boundary setting is a positive and healthy tool for life. Importantly it identifies those who do and don’t deserve your time and loyalty. The stronger you respect your own boundaries, the more you will also respect the boundaries of others. Boundaries help promote positive, honourable and long-lasting friendships in a manner that lifts your own level of well-being, respect and awareness.